First and foremost, I think it should be noted that I am not a danger to myself or others. (That’s usually a big question when one first brings up stuff like this.) Rest assured, my mind only wants me to suffer.
My anxiety comes from low self-esteem in the sense that I have a voice that likes to tell me how much I suck but in the eyes of others. I can think I can do things. The voice doesn’t tell me I can’t; it tells me people I respect don’t think I can. I look in the mirror and think I’m sexy; the voice tells me others just see me as plain, frumpy.
It’s not an actual voice. Any more than the voice one has when one’s thinking is an actual voice. It’s a thought, really. It’s just bad thoughts. Hurtful terrible thoughts.
It used to make me think everyone is two-faced and don’t mean compliments. They just say things to be nice or because it’s expected. Now I don’t think it’s everyone, but that voice hasn’t shut up. There’s something horrible about trying to get comfort to feel better and have a persistent thought tell you the hug is out of obligation or because they think you’re weak; a reflex like one might have to catch a stranger as they faint.
I’ve gone to counselling (and making an appointment to go again) so I can get more tricks to use against the voice. There’s a checklist I have to go through mentally to show evidence that the voice is wrong.
Like getting a little card wishing me a happy new year and my voice reminds me the person probably gave one to everyone else at work so it’s nothing to be excited about. Then I have to go through the process of telling myself that they could have either not done it or not bothered with me and I wouldn’t have known so that has to count as something.
The whole thing is tiring. It’s a work out every day. Some times several times in a day.
And that’s only one aspect of anxiety. Mix in common reasons for anxiety like financial concerns and my mind can be exhausted sometimes.
My depression feels like numbness. I know people love me. But there’s no feeling to it. Like that happy new’s year wish? It’s getting that, convincing myself it still means something, and not feeling like it does. I know a lot. There are times when I just don’t feel like I know I should.
I can’t even say that it hurts, in those moments. It’s just frustrating. The only fortunate thing is that I have borderline depression so sometimes it rears its head and other times I can feel loved and joy and even sadness.
I have my mental checklist. I take one medication for my anxiety/depression. I have mindful minutes. I see a counsellor when I think I should. And that’s just to get through days. That’s just to try to control my mind to a reasonable level.